I turn 30 a month from today. I’m not sure how I feel about it; I’ve been preparing for it for long enough…and it’s better than the alternative…
I once heard my aunt Susan say that every decade has been better than the last, and I’ve already seen that in my own life, with no reason for it not to continue. I like having the experience of living longer, but I’m still absolutely terrified of not existing any more (which every birthday brings me closer to) — not like I’m going to know about it, but when you don’t believe that there’s anything after death, this tiny little life becomes indescribably precious.
That might seem like a good reason to go and do whatever you want every second of every day, but that kind of thinking doesn’t produce real happiness. Real happiness comes from knowing you can take care of yourself, from connecting with other people and making strong relationships, from understanding of self and others, and (for me at least) from understanding how the world works. And it takes work to develop these things. If you just run away every time you feel something unpleasant, you’ll end up with a general unhappiness that you won’t be able to shake. But if you face your problems and overcome them, you develop the sense of self and strength of character that are absolutely necessary for good relationships and a good life.
I’ve been trying to describe this for years now and I still don’t feel like I’ve ever managed to express it.
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